Relationship stigmas

Creativity is valued in all aspects of life except for romantic relationships.

We tell ourselves that if the passion is fading, that’s a sign that we weren’t meant to be.  If things are getting boring, maybe its time to move on.

Creativity is relegated to choosing unwanted gifts on commercial holidays and anniversaries.  There’s no point in working through any deeper issue out because that doesn’t fit the romantic story we tell ourselves.  Any attempt to rekindle the passion is unnatural and manipulative and won’t last anyways…

…except that nothing lasts…not our bodies without food, not our laptops without power, and certainly not relationships without work and creativity.

The romantic story we tell ourselves about love at first sight, soul mates, and undying passion is just that, a story.  It’s a story that we desperately grip onto with white knuckles but also one we can change if we want to.  The question is, do we want to preserve a lazy fantasy of unmet promises, or are we ready to work on the messy reality that is life?

 

 

Are deep relationships extinct?

Modern relationships are disposable and replaceable.  The relationship is doomed to crumble at the sight of any struggle or conflict.  There is no sense of urgency to work through relationships anymore, and why should there be?

Society tells us that the individual is the most important unit in the modern world.  The role of the family has been dwarfed by the gift of modern societies that bless us with schools, hospitals, gyms, movie theaters and every other institution designed to service our individual experience.

If you don’t like the people you work with, just find another job.  If you don’t like your parents, you can turn to the YouTube where you will find a myriad of popular mentors to guide you.  If you find the passion of your marriage drained, you can always get a divorce and go on a date the same day through the myriad of dating apps available.  If you find your city boring, simply buy the next ticket and fly halfway across the world to experience a new culture.

There’s no question that technology and our liberal ideals have expanded our options and enriched our individual experiences. Our newfound options make it easier than ever to drop old relationships and upgrade to new ones.  However, it’s harder than ever to work through the inevitable conflicts of any relationship that is not superficial.  I worry that we are sacrificing the important skills required to build long-lasting, resilient and fulfilling relationships.  I worry that we have swayed too far in the direction of dogmatic independence and individualism as we rely more and more on our technology.

 

The Blame Game

I’m right
You’re wrong
No words
No song

Doors closed
Wars open
Justice served
Fairness in

Bridges burned
Relationships hurt
Blame the past
Strangle the future

The Journey Home

My soul squeezed
My motivation drained
My drive emptied
I had to leave

Blocking it all out
I numbed the pain
Defence mechanism on
I would not get hurt

Many years passed
And what was grey then
Is beaming red now
Its time to unveil

Its time to come home
With old wisdom
Its time to battle fears
With new eyes

Change of Mind

I find it comforting to think that there is an obvious truth that I wholeheartedly believe in right now that I could radically impeach in a year from now.  Truths and falsehoods are simply placeholders that serve us in a particular time in our life for those who are still willing to change their minds.

When I realized…

When I realized how I view the world is just one way, I wasn’t tied to wearing one pair of glasses.  I could try on the red ones today and the purple ones tomorrow.

When I realized that walking within the lines is only one way to play this game, the possibilities opened up.

When I realized it’s OK to not like what everyone likes, I could then like what I actually liked.

When I realized the comparisons will surface but I don’t have to feed into them, I became happier.

Travel Expands the Possible

​I’ve met more interesting people and had more interesting conversations in my last 2 weeks traveling through India than in the past year back home.   And that’s the beauty of travel.  

It’s remarkable the volume and quality of serendipitous connections we create when we give ourselves permission to accept new experiences.

We share intimate life stories with strangers.  We gain insight into how people lead their lives.  We bond over the same universal human triumphs and tragedies.

Travel expands our definition of the possible.  Our box of possible life trajectories inflates to include the new connections we’ve just created.  Suddenly, the thunderstorm above is just a lone raincloud under a mural of clear blue skies.

27 Life Lessons at 27

I turned 27 not too long ago so I decided to come up with 27 lessons I had learned in my 27 years of existence.  It was only meant to be a personal reflective exercise but I revisited that list today and was moved by it.  If I can affect one person by sharing this then that’s a good enough reason for me!  Here’s the list:

1. The world is a beautiful place waiting to be discovered.  Start in your own backyard.
2. Be kind for no other reason than you can.  If you could sense the incredible effect you have on the people you meet.  It also feels great.
3. Go first.  Its always your turn.  The world is waiting for you to shine your light.  Your tribe is waiting for you to lead them.
4. Life can be understood backwards but must be lived forwards.  There may not be a meaning yet for what you are doing.  So just keep living.
5. Reconcile your relationships with your parents to connect with your roots.  They knew you before you did.  They molded your strengths and your insecurities.
6. Knowing is not enough, you must apply.  Don’t fall into the delusion of learning through mental masturbation.
7. There is no good without bad, there is no light without dark.  Embrace all that life offers because even a shitty moment in your life is a moment in your life, and that holds inherent beauty and value.
8. Stay in touch with your friends.  Try to have a social life.  Despite how independent you think you are, humans are social creatures and need connection.
9. Do things for the sake of doing them.  The trophy at the end is fleeting.  The journey really is the best part.
10. Discipline equals freedom.  Do what you need to do in order to do what you want to do.
11. Try new things to learn new things.  It will be undeniably uncomfortable at first.  And then it wont.
12. There is no secret to success.  Just dedication and hard work.
13. Find your version of therapy.  Writing is mine.  Writing is the creative medium that allows me to reflect honestly and express myself authentically.
14. Meditate.  Breathe.  Focus on your breath for a moment.  Practice awareness.  Practice the art of stillness to appreciate the dance.
15. Vulnerability connects us together.  Open yourself to sharing to invite others to do the same.
16. Live in the moment.  Your life is more than a checklist to be filled.
17. Travel often.  Live out of your backpack.  Leave everything behind to experience childlike wonder.  Learn about adventure, love and what connects us as humans.
18. Practice gratitude.  There are many with a lot less.  Your own impermanence is a great reminder to be grateful.
19. Quiet the comparing mind.  The person you glorify is only created in your mind.  The life you would trade with likely has demons under the surface.
20. Be more compassionate towards yourself.  You are not your past.  Most of our insecurities stem from years ingrained patterns during childhood.  We spend all our lives reworking the things from our childhood.
21. Be excellent at one thing.  The path to mastery will teach you discipline, hard work and persistence.  It will humble you and your opinion of others.
22. Its not that serious.  Its never as bad as it seems.  In 10 years, will this still matter?
23. Do something everyday.  Develop a daily practice.  Each day compounds on the last.  The effects are exponential, rather than linear.
24. We are imperfect.  Embrace the imperfection in things.  Life is rarely a neatly wrapped box of chocolates.  Life is a messy box of opened chocolates.
25. Give someone your undivided attention.  There’s no greater gift in life than giving someone your full awareness.
26. Feel more, think less.  Life is not a puzzle to be solved but a reality to be experienced.
27. Be weary of advice.  Advice is very personal and often just a form of glorified nostalgia.  No advice can capture your unique story.  That is for you to live.

The Strength of Weak Ties

In 1973, sociologist Mark Granovetter published his theory, “the strength of weak ties” in the  American Journal of Sociology.  This theory has become the most cited work in the Social Sciences.  In essence, the theory proposes that it is actually our weak ties that enable reaching populations and audiences that are not normally accessible by our strong ties.  Our strong ties are those who we associate with most, and thus, share the most in common with.  Our strong ties have the same group of friends, similar interests, similar values, similar resources, similar tastes, similar connections.  Our weak ties, despite being weak, opens our reach to a broader social network, one that is new and may potentially help in unexpected ways.   For an excellent explanation of this concept, watch this youtube video that summarizes it wonderfully.

You might then ask, can we extrapolate this theory to outside of social networks?  Does stepping out of the familiar into the realm of the foreign hold merit in other aspects of our life?  Consider the girl who discovers her passion for Mongolian architecture after browsing her local library catalogue.  Or the guy who discovers his interest in consumption analysis after stumbling on a compilation video featuring Milton Friedman on Youtube.

As stable and reliable our strong ties are, the trajectory of our lives is much less linear and predictable than the algorithm generated list of recommended products on Amazon.  This is all a convoluted way to say what we’ve always known: that trying new things is good for us.  That stepping out of the norm once in a while can bear exciting results.  The results may be surprisingly useful.  Or they may be useless.  They may seem like a waste of time.  But they wont be boring.  The experience will be novel and exciting.  It will open up the potential for insight.  It will foster the potential for transformative change.

Its Easy To Be A Hater

Its easy to label someone with blanket statements

Its easy to convict them before trial

Its easy to cater to your fears, to be a hater

Its easy to play a rigged game of moral superiority

Its hard to understand someone

Its hard to set aside your biases

Its hard to challenge your fears

Its hard to put yourself in someone’s shoes